25 Randomness (posted on Feb 7th, 2009)

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you. (To do this, go to “notes” or the "+" sign under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.) 1. I'm a walking paradox. Proofs: 1a. I love upping the ante when dressing up for work, to look good. But. I know I don't look good. 1b. People keep on telling me I have this huge talent for writing and photography (and graphics). But. I feel I am not good enough it actually stops me from pushing myself further. 1c. I love my job (most of the time). Especially when it comes to saving lives. But. If there's any chance in hell I can make money out of photography and/or writing, I'd take that chance in a heartbeat (see how it relates to 1b.). 1d. I keep on dreaming of being in this ultimate relationship. But. I'm afraid to be in one. 1e. I love myself. But. At the same time, I'm filled with self loathing and doubt. 2. I love my siblings to the core, even though I don't show it (often). I believe that my brother has more raw graphic talent than I ever will, and the tenacity and courage to push himself to greater heights, but his hardheadedness is a cause for worry. And my sister has way more potential than she gives herself credit, but she plays it safe she's holding herself back. The fact that people plagiarized her blog says so much about her knack for the written word (Imitation is the best form of compliment, Kasha). 3. I am almost, to the word, an archetype Libra. 4. I am confused most of the time (please refer to 1). Thank God I'm not gender-confused. Now THAT would be interesting. 5. I've noticed that my tongue stumbles more and more these days. I garble words when I talk. Sometimes it's like my mind works in turbo mode my body can't keep up (I'm seriously not being boastful. I'm actually worried because it's getting worse). 6. I have 2 facades. My public face: cheerful, well-mannered, soft-spoken, mild-tempered, and diplomatic with everyone. My private face, reserved for my immediate family and my best friend Reza: torrentially moody, snappish, lazy to a fault, sarcastically witty, but so loyal it's almost scary (for them). 7. So far I've only let 2 people tell me how to act and actually tolerate it: my mom and my best friend. I don't take crap from others. My world as I know it would end when I let a particular woman push me around. And I would gladly let her do it. 8. I let people talk bad about me and push me around (as long as they don't tell me how to carry myself), but I keep tabs. I let the volcano simmer long before it erupts. But when it does erupt, all hell breaks loose. 9. I love taking pictures, especially beautiful subjects, be they people, objects, or landscapes. But I hate to have my picture taken (again, please refer to 1). 10. I will only fart when there's no one else around (well you wanted random, so I give you random). 11. One of my life goals is to have a novel published under my name. Money is not high on the list of why I want to do this. I've always asked myself, when I die (and hopefully I die young, coz I may grow old alone and it's just pathetic), what will I leave behind? I'm not too deluded to think I can create a vaccine that can save millions (labs bore me). I'm quite sure I won't have a surgical procedure penned under my name. But I can write, and touch the hearts of those I let read my short stories. And if I can come up with a novel, I can potentially touch the hearts of hundreds, maybe thousands of people over time, long after I am no more. 12. The person I look up to the most is my mom. I still can't comprehend how she can work so hard and be vibrant about it, and keep the family together at the same time. All three of her children turned out well. I don't think I can ever fully emulate her. 13. I haven't had my Hepatitis shots yet, even though it's a must in my line of work. 14. I don't like it when anyone, especially my parents, advertise me as a doctor. I always fall back on the 'Don't treat me like a trophy son' card, but honestly, I feel really bad and dumb when people start asking me questions, expecting answers that I may or may not have. And people ALWAYS ask you questions about their ailments the moment they find out you're a doctor. Makes me want to be a vet sometimes. At least not everyone is pet-friendly. 15. I am a coward. I don't like confrontations. Spend your growing up years being smaller than everyone else, and ugly (yes, I am the ugliest among my family, immediate and extended), and in the shadow of your sister(yes, Kasha, in school I had always been "Lisha's younger brother"), you'd have inferiority complex like I do. 16. I am secretly happy that almost all the beautiful people (men and women) I've come across since childhood to my university years are at the very least plump, and some are downright double-chinned and double-flabs. I, on the other hand, am toning up slowly. 17. Everyone who knows me would know that I am very vain, although I don't look good (refer to 1). I would automatically check myself out on every possible reflective surface, including a pool of rainwater on the pavement. Unfortunately (for me), my face is now riddled with raised, dark lesions (my dermatologists still can't be certain if I have atypical eczema - bad case of rashes - or discoid lupus). I have to use the strongest steroid cream, but as a result, I'm starting to have zit breakouts. I'd thought my world would end, but it didn't, so I endure. My face and arms still itch like mad though. 18. I wish that I am more pious, that my faith is stronger. But I've not done anything to remedy that situation. I still can't believe I had woken up so early just to call out the morning prayers (azan Subuh) back when I was doing matriculation. 19. I think I have a strong fear of rejection (so everything I've said so far is making sense now, doesn't it?). And this unshakable inferiority complex that I mask with bravado (again, a paradox). 20. I love my niece Arwen with all my being. I spend as much money on her clothes and stuff as I do on myself (ahahaha...I told you I'm vain). She's now among the strongest reasons why I keep on living. 21. I would love to have children, and dedicate my life to them (yes, yes. All the ups as well as downs). But I don't think I'll ever make a good husband. There are some things you just know, you know? 22. I have this high requirement for a potential partner. I'm not looking for a girlfriend just to have a girlfriend to do things with. I need a soulmate who can argue with me well into the night (in English), just about anything. I want to hear her talk about her life and work, even though I may not understand anything (I'm hoping she's not in the Medical line), and vice versa. Someone who would accept me and my multiple facets. I'm sounding like a personal ad here, and people in personal ads think too highly of themselves and have this tall requirement that, frankly, only fictional characters can match. I know I don't have much to offer other than my love and devotion. I do believe in such a thing as a soulmate (my brother and his Ili is proof of that). I know she's out there somewhere (my soulmate, not Ili. Sheesh. Please try to keep up). When the time comes, it comes, you know? 23. I have been through a depressive phase. Back in school I showed it, but it was mainly that, to grab attention to get my message across. In uni I actually thought about dropping out. I thought about seeking counseling but was afraid of referral to psychiatrists. It was that bad. I could not turn to anyone, because my mom thought I was just doing it out of spite and I wanted to give her a heart attack, and my best friend was too busy with his life and new-found love. From previous experience, I knew for a fact that attempting suicide would get me nowhere. I turned to writing as my outlet instead. From then on, I never share my deepest, darkest moments, although I still have them from time to time. I just let it show in my writing. 24. Again, not being boastful. I have the mind of a scientist, always seeking answers, always asking questions, and I absorb information like a living coral when I put my mind to it. And I have this raw creative talent that, if nurtured, can bring me far. So my chain of thought is both logical and abstract at the same time. Which makes it hard to fit in. I have my feet in both worlds, but I feel like an outsider. I've never actually fit in, come to think of it. 25. I've noticed that I've been talking about myself so much, that listing 25 was a breeze. I am sub-clinically narcissistic. But, that said and done, what I'm looking for in life is someone I can surrender completely to, yet be her strength. Someone whom I can fit in with. Too much info, don't you think? Well, I'd love to hear 25 random things about you.